Very few things actually inspire me. But when they do I feel as if nothing is impossible. That no matter how foolish my dream may be that it can still be acomplished because of that simple foolishness. I feel that I can fly if I just flap my arms and close my eyes, and believe. I want to show the world who I really am. Show the world a person that is strong, yet naturally empowering. I want to make everyone happy. I want to become the kind of person who can only see good in people, who percieves the evil in our hearts through kind eyes. No reprimands hidden there. Only acceptance. Change must be done by the person themselves. I want to inspire that change in them. I feel so light, and carefree, like the worlds burdens have lost their weight and instead have turned into puffs of white clouds of laughter, and bright smiles blended in color. I want to touch the heart of those around me. I want to open the hearts of those around me. With no boundries or walls to confiine my love for them. I will become this person...one day....I will be this person and the world will feel oneness or at least my little part of the world.

(Yume: Japanese for Dream)

Today I witnessed Death defeated by a bold crocus. Undaunted by winter's white shroud, it rose renewed to merge in gold with the sun. Nature is recovering-and Spring is the proof. Each year she promises return but then lies ill so long that Hope misgives us. Revived, we can forgive a penurious God.

Rebirth requires commemoration. Though I sing Life- instinctively- as the Robin- I never jotted hours. I live to quietly for Volumes- No stage would play my Drama. But Though is it's own Event and defines the day. Recording one preserves the other, like the flower pressed between pages at it's fullest glory. So let this be my letter to myself- that needs no response.

~Thursday, March 14, 1867 Emilie Dickinson's Diary~

Poem 441

This is my letter to the world
That never wrote to me-
The simple News that Nature told-
With tender Majesty

Her Message is committed
To Hands I cannot see-
For love of Her- Sweet- countrymen-
Judge tenderly- of Me

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thoughts:

First off I want to make sure I understand the word "penurious" so I will look it up and give you a dictionary definition then my own wording of it.

PENURIOUS:
–adjective
1. extremely stingy; parsimonious; miserly.
2. extremely poor; destitute; indigent.
3. poorly or inadequately supplied; lacking in means or resources.

In my own words this word is a means to describe someone who is not up to my liking. Someone who doesn't suit me perfectly but is still there none the less. The fact that she refers this to God makes me think that she is trying to say that she dislikes it when she receives the feeling of unanswered questions. As I am sure we have all felt at some point or another. So that leaves me amused at the way in which she wrote it. She writes with compassion, the fondness one would have for a lover or the antics of a close friend colors her words. She understands, and does her best accept no matter what flaws she may not like she searches for reasons pursue her goal, whatever that may be.
In the beginning she gives the example of an insect that clings to a tree during the changing of warm to cold seasons. How it appears dead and it does struggle for life as the cold times over take it. A struggle I'm sure that few would understand seeing as we are not six legged minuscule bugs. But the victory it gains by defeating death is that much greater. The struggle has not lost its meaning, rather the meaning of the struggle becomes more significant with its victory of life. She is saying that no matter how poorly the odds of survival or in her words "Hope" of any sort, seem dismal we should always try for the best knowing that doubt, and thoughts of disappointment will lead us to nowhere except exactly where we think we will be.
As for the poem I think its her way of asking for acceptance of her nature. She is human and as such it is in her nature to do wrong. To questions the things that she sees and translate them into the thoughts the currently cover the pages of her diary. I think that in a way, and this is just my speculation, that in order to truly understand someone you must first accept them for everything that they are. Without that exception your understanding is merely something you strive for. More than likely you will end up creating your own understanding of that person, but it will not be true understanding. I'm sure that made no sense, but that is best as I can put it.

~Teigh~

Today I am awake at four in the morning and contemplating the same thoughts that I have always had. In this journal entry I am going to reveal my fears. Mostly because I'm sure there is someone out there who would find my torment amusing, or fascinating. So here it goes...I have many people in my life who are trying to show me the light of religion (mostly Christianity)and many of those people never get a strait answer out of me because, as I am sure they have noticed, I am afraid. My fear is not something that can be disregarded because to be quite honest I'm choosing not to disregard it. I have seen people change who they are to fit their religions. I fear that I will once again mold myself to be what people or in this case God expects of me when in fact I am not even sure of his existence. I'm not saying that I don't seek some sort of salvation. I just fear that the words of my fellow humans have tainted such knowledge. It is after all possible for us to speak truths with forked tongues. I'm tired I feel sick again...

Words spill from my mouth like blood
Oh crimson redemption guide me
Crippled hands quake and shake
Gripping the air too tightly
Forsaken one amongst the downy white
Forgive my minds own boundaries
Clear away the tainted remains

Flip the switch on my fears
Raise my chin and look up to the sky
The day is bright and clear
Lips chapped and sore
Throat clearing room for air
And I sing
I sing a song of misunderstanding
A poem of truth
Lyrical apprehension

Become the passion in their hearts
Walk the roads of doom
On dirt path we embark
Life never ends too soon
Carry me across the shores
And leaky river beds
Cleanse my soul of all my pain
Remove all thought from my head

Gather the winds and caress my face
Whistle in my ears
I hear your voice mysterious one
I understand the burden you bear
Lift me up to the clouds
On these sickly wings I fly
Once again to see night
Gathered round a moonlit sky

Steady earth keep me still
Nurture my body and soul
Feed my heart till passions filled
I hear your mothering call
Move my feet when I refuse
To move my body at all
Soak up my tears when I bleed
After a terrible fall

Blessed creature of heart and flame
Teach me to twist and dance
School me in the art of mirth
So I may find semblance
In smiling lips and tongues embrace
I speak a name unknown
Twisting embers take their birth
Inside our smoky hearths

Call unto thee the name
The name unheard
Call unto thee the heart
The heart uncleared
Call unto thee the body
The body undisturbed
Call unto thee my soul
My spirit is yours unearth

What is the point in words that fill up a journal entry that people will either look at an criticize or look and say nothing. Whats the point in pouring out your thoughts and soul when those who look at it are unable to understand to the depth that you wish they could. What is the point in repeating the process of opening your flood gates and overwhelming those who cannot handle the tide you bring only to be disappointed with those around you. What exactly is the point?
Do I merely enjoy repetition so much that I seek out people over and over again to divulge my inner most feelings and thoughts. Only so that they can walk away one day because they don't have the strength to continue a friendship or relationship that requires more openness than they are used to? Or is the "POINT" so obscure that even as I am searching my hot breath and words fog the window again so that I am unable to truely see those on the other side? I dont' know, to be honest I don't rightly care anymore. I can finally say the words that so many people have pried for and longed to hear..."I GIVE UP!" You have your way...and I'll do whatever you want me to. Even if it means loosing myself along the way. Go ahead tell me what you want me to do and I will be the perfect clone of your desires. Bend me this way and that, you can even break me without permission. I will not stop you. GO AHEAD AND TRY! I FUCKING DARE YOU! You want to twist my arm, no need to over exert yourself I'll slice it off for you. You want to know how I feel, I'll tell you until you tell me how you want me to feel. I will become the perfect nightmare that haunts your daydreams. Is this what you wanted? Is this what you people want from me?!
Of course not Amanda, we care about you, we love you, we know right and we want to help because ALL OF YOU SOMEHOW KNOW WHAT IS FUCKING GOOD FOR ME. I'm not your god damn science project. I'm not your god damned spiritual mission. I AM NOT YOURS! To control and tell what to do whenever you want. And I'm through with all of you people and you will see what happens when you don't look closely enough. You will know what happens to those who push and claim power over me. You want power you can pay the consequences of wielding it. What am i going to do you ask? Wouldn't you like to know... I'm not going to tell you....duh!



Caleb, you can come for me if you want to or not I honestly don't care either way. But know this. The message was sent more than once. I know it was. It was sent to you because you needed to hear it. You want to play the part of a hero, or someone who will bring salvation to a stranger be my guest but know that the burden you bear is not just the weight of your lonely, pathetic and mutated heart. Know the consequences of the promise you made, and remember. Oh and yes I'm just peachy before you get worried and start asking me questions.
Mai, I wish you luck on all of your endevors wherever those roads may lead you. I know your destined for great things so I won't hold you back or even put you in a position where you have to struggle to let me go. I Amanda M. Bolt renounce my oath to protect, and follow you wherever you may go. I also renounce my friendship to Mai D. I cut the bonds that were formed by soul and oath and words that were sworn on my....well I'm sure you get the point but I'll just say the rest to myself. heh.. Anyways. Yeah now that the dramatics are done with.
Kara, I'm sorry I can't come see you like I origionally wanted its just I have so much planned and I'm sorta booked for the rest of my....month. So maybe next year or something like that. Tell your mom I said hi. *Hugs* lol Thank you I miss you too by the way.
Thats about it. EXIT: Amanda....